i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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