i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
