glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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