after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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