but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
