At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
