He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
