2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
