what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
handjob tips. give me some.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
