please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
