my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
