cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
