She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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