Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
