My friends, they love my intelligence
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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