i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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