so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
