sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
