Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
