Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
