Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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