how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
