I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
