I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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