When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
