i permit you to call me
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
