Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
