i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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