i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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