That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
