So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
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Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
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The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
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