So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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