She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
