there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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