I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Sext me about skeletons
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
