i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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