there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
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drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
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I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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