You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
