i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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