In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
