Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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