Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
