so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
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She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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