Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
