cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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