My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
