I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
