Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
