I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
