I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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