He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
