My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
