your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
