shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
