I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
