sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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