I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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