you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
