dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
