I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
