She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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