You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
