walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
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Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
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It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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