So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Randomize
