Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
